Funny Quotes Sayings Page 3
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times. Murphy was an optimist. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits.
He's an expert on padded cells.
